A Wonderful Magical Toy

Sometimes I forget that life is not linear. It's not a straight forward line where things chronologically unfold and the further we get along the more we live. Of course, you could probably picture it like that, and even as I write that sentence I think, well that seems to make sense.

But, most of the times, life doesn't seem so linear. It seems like these endless and beautiful circles that spiral forward like a stretched out slinky.  Full of beginnings and endings and births and deaths. Full of new seasons and dreams and closings of eras and desires. This never ending rolling beginninglessness and endlessness that just goes on and on and the line never straightens. This yo-yo of now I'm happy, now I'm sad, now I'm afraid, now I have hope, and I keep spiraling forward nonetheless.  This "here I am, I've been in this place before, but wait, now, this is new and exciting and unpredictable, and then yup, I've returned to where I am."

Life spirals forward through the foreverness of circles, and while it can make us dizzy, it certainly keeps us entertained. 

Oh life--you "wonderfully magical toy, you're made for a girl or a boy."

Me vs. Kerry

I must admit that I’ve been a bit overwhelmed lately. I’m not on the verge of a twenty-something-life-crisis per se—well, let’s call a spade a spade—I’m on the verge of a twenty-something-life-crisis.

Correction--I am having an existential life crisis.

I can't describe fully what I'm thinking because its all so murky and foggy in my head, and part of the murkiness is the inability to articulate what I'm feeling. So, instead of describing it, I am going to replay how a typical internal dialogue sounds lately. The character of "Me" will be talking to the character of "Kerry." Which one is which you ask? My question exactly.

Me: I'm having an existential life crisis.

Kerry: What do you mean by crisis?

Me: Like, I have no idea what I am doing with my life. I have no idea what career path I should take. I don't know what anything means anymore.  I'm totally lacking clarity.

Kerry: Ha! That's not a crisis--the real crisis is that you think you are having a crisis. The fact that you categorize the inability to give clear meaning to your life as a crisis is really indicative of larger issues you're facing.

Me: Like what?

Kerry: Like your unsated desire for clearcut answers on how to live your life and your all-consuming obsession with future plans. I didn't want to say anything, but you've had a lot of unnecessary freak outs lately.

Me: Oh my god, this is even a worse life crisis than I thought.

Kerry: Which brings to me another issue you have--your use of the word life to clarify crisis is totally superfluous; a crisis can only exist if we say it exists--if we're alive. So you're actually the cause of the crisis. And, while we're on it, maybe we should start examining who the "I" is that you're talking about.  When you say "I" who do you mean?

Me: So, the person that I think is "I" is the creator of a crisis that doesn't even exist?

Kerry: Yeah, totally.

Me: Should that make me feel better or worse?

Kerry: I'm not really sure.

And that's about as far as I've gotten . . . .