I must admit...I'm a virgin blogger. I didn't even hear the word "blog" until about a year ago, and when I heard about them, I thought they were pokemon cards or something. But as I learned more about them, and even read some, I decided that not only do I enjoy blogs, but that I would like to have my own. (I have ownership issues, but we'll discuss that at a later date). And why do I want one? Well, I certainly do not think I have much to offer you. But it feels good to write, and it's freeing to share, and it's humbling for me to feel vulnerable. So, I guess, in all honesty, this blog was created for selfish reasons. Sorry :)
So, here I go. Since I started law school, my thought processes have become severely limited. I realized one day that it had been a very long time since I last pondered. Like really pondered. Or daydreamed, for that matter. And even when I tried to ponder, I found myself dissecting my thoughts in a legalistic formula--issue, rule, analysis, conclusion. Even my thoughts on God, which were once fluid and deep, started to fit into this formula:
Issue: Who and what is God?
Rule: God is _____
Analysis: Here, in Holy Book X, verse Y, God says Z. Because God is (insert rule), Z is true. While other people may argue A, those people will probably lose, b/c the judge will find, based on precedent, that God is (insert rule), and thus Z is true.
This is a perfectly sound and satisfactory argument. A winning argument, nonetheless. And although I should be proud of such legal analysis, there is only one problem... although I may understand the law, I don't feeeeell the law. And although the law is a means to an end, it is not the end itself. And, although I value the significance in rules and procedures, I kinda don't give a shit (excuse my language), because I really only want to focus on the substantive part.
Besides my dislike for rule statements, I also don't really like words. I have never been articulate, in fact I claim the contrary. I have this weird habit of making up words and then convincing myself that the words exist. Take, for example, the word "disdainment" (n. meaning disdain). I don't know why I thought "disdain" was an insufficient noun and thus added "ment" to it, but I did. I also mispronounce words wrong...a lot. I diagnosed myself with "speech dyslexia" a view years ago, which was a good idea. Because once you tell people you have a "condition," they do not think you're as stupid.
In all seriousness though, I do struggle with words, particularly their meaning. They bog me down and, unfortunately, for a very long time they hindered my faith. I spent so much time analyzing and interpreting words, that I forgot to see the story the words told. And I realize, that this happens to so many of us--we become obsessed with words. We quote religious text, we regurgitate verses, we sing hymns, and with each word, we hope to get closer to the truth. And these words can be beautiful, and comforting, and they can bring peace. But we also must note, that these words can be swords, and can bring harm.
Father Richard Rohr observed, "Christians have become obsessed with the words that Jesus spoke, as opposed to the life that Jesus lived." And this is true of all religions. We read spiritual books and texts, desperately hoping that these words will be sufficient to make us faithful. We spend so much time reading and preaching, that we forget about doing. We preach of the poor, while we step over the homeless. We preach of justice, while we seek injustice. We preach of nonjudgement, while we judge our friends. We preach of peace, while we engage in war. And despite the fact that our actions falter, we still choose to focus on getting the words "right." And I am the first to admit, that this is me.
And so, in honor of disliking words, I have decided to write a blog!! (haha believe me, I know how hypocritical and ironic this is!) But I hope that through the emptiness of my words, I can explore a language that has no words, and that is Love. And through Love, I hope to explore God.
Thanks for listening.